Friday, March 13, 2009
i am in such a mess. my brain is such a gooey mess.
i think i need a change. i need a total makeover, inside out. to stop hiding in my tortoise shell, and to go all out to pursue a dream, any dream.
i realize how bad it is. to be a person without dreams. it's worse than being a person who has dreams but just can't get them. i have results that many will covet for.. i feel as if i don't deserve these results. they should go to those people, who have goals, who have ambitions to fulfill, and all they need is just a little something that will open doors for them.
whereas i am here in a room revolving around open doors. but i just refuse to set my heart on that one door. i am still in a mess thinking of what a future i want, at this point in time, i feel so useless. why am i so afraid to just decide on what i want? it's not like i refuse to think. perhaps it will be easier to not think so much. i just don't want to have any regrets.
sigh. scholarships are for people who are really set on their life path, not for people like me.
i want to be able to impact other people's lives, i don't want to be a self-centered monster, or a cowardly tortoise who is afraid of going out & meeting people. its hard to change, but i swear i am going to try.
i think i need a change. i need a total makeover, inside out. to stop hiding in my tortoise shell, and to go all out to pursue a dream, any dream.
i realize how bad it is. to be a person without dreams. it's worse than being a person who has dreams but just can't get them. i have results that many will covet for.. i feel as if i don't deserve these results. they should go to those people, who have goals, who have ambitions to fulfill, and all they need is just a little something that will open doors for them.
whereas i am here in a room revolving around open doors. but i just refuse to set my heart on that one door. i am still in a mess thinking of what a future i want, at this point in time, i feel so useless. why am i so afraid to just decide on what i want? it's not like i refuse to think. perhaps it will be easier to not think so much. i just don't want to have any regrets.
sigh. scholarships are for people who are really set on their life path, not for people like me.
i want to be able to impact other people's lives, i don't want to be a self-centered monster, or a cowardly tortoise who is afraid of going out & meeting people. its hard to change, but i swear i am going to try.
4:24 PM
