Wednesday, April 29, 2009
the past two days were probably the worst days i have had this year. feeling sick, tired, groggy and alone. in times like this, only my xiao mei is worthy of my mention. though a part of me knew that she just thinks that helping me ice-pack my head is a fun thing to do.. at least i think i know she cares. she's just so cute. she can be a nurse next time. haha.
i'm grateful for all the well-wishes. if only sms-es can heal, i would be up and kicking in no time. but sadly, no. so i spent tuesday sleeping & moping around. emotionally and physically drained. back to work today, feeling no more energetic. thinking of labour day gives no motivation at all. i just didnt have the strength to stare at plates with 96 wells, that makes my eyes go all blur and teary.
thinking of you makes my eyes go all blur and teary too. life keeps getting in the way. u ask me what's wrong.. i couldnt say. my feelings are in a knot. i cant bring myself to make things difficult for u. so i didnt say anything. i guess.
everything will be fine in 3 hours. just hope u don't make things difficult for me.
i'm grateful for all the well-wishes. if only sms-es can heal, i would be up and kicking in no time. but sadly, no. so i spent tuesday sleeping & moping around. emotionally and physically drained. back to work today, feeling no more energetic. thinking of labour day gives no motivation at all. i just didnt have the strength to stare at plates with 96 wells, that makes my eyes go all blur and teary.
thinking of you makes my eyes go all blur and teary too. life keeps getting in the way. u ask me what's wrong.. i couldnt say. my feelings are in a knot. i cant bring myself to make things difficult for u. so i didnt say anything. i guess.
everything will be fine in 3 hours. just hope u don't make things difficult for me.
3:08 PM
Saturday, April 25, 2009
woo. shiok. i think i enjoyed myself immensely today. :DD
yup. first was k session with claire and shangfei, after a very long time of abstaining from it. compared to them, because they sang like last week with other ppl. xP haha. but yea. and the next time we are meeting it will be the cooking session. oh man, i need crash courses. claire, u better buy fire and whatever insurance for the house. haha.
after that went for the post-syf party. i think it's really fun, and nice to gather around. though there were oni 4 seniors, namely me, aud, jh and yuanjie. i tink being around the juniors sort of make me feel young and old at the same time. haha. but it was really enjoyable, the catering was not bad and entertainment is never lacking with ppl like junhe around. as a senior, i guess i feel the distance yet the closeness. it's hard to explain. haha. but i really enjoyed the gathering. :D really thank them for inviting us oldies. haha.
but i felt really guilty at the long string of withdrawals that i made in my bankbook. it's like money always comes out but never in. haha. and my pay for apr can oni be collected on 21 may, tgt with may's pay. :( haha. money money money. my sis made a comment which intensified the guilt. after i showed her the top that i bought. haha. she said, "omg, u spend like there is no economic crisis." :x it's not that bad lor. i used to save up so much, it's time i spend a teeny bit of it. haha.
my gastric is back. =x i dunno why it always happens when i stay up too late out or something. always had that problem, especially in chalet. :s
yup. first was k session with claire and shangfei, after a very long time of abstaining from it. compared to them, because they sang like last week with other ppl. xP haha. but yea. and the next time we are meeting it will be the cooking session. oh man, i need crash courses. claire, u better buy fire and whatever insurance for the house. haha.
after that went for the post-syf party. i think it's really fun, and nice to gather around. though there were oni 4 seniors, namely me, aud, jh and yuanjie. i tink being around the juniors sort of make me feel young and old at the same time. haha. but it was really enjoyable, the catering was not bad and entertainment is never lacking with ppl like junhe around. as a senior, i guess i feel the distance yet the closeness. it's hard to explain. haha. but i really enjoyed the gathering. :D really thank them for inviting us oldies. haha.
but i felt really guilty at the long string of withdrawals that i made in my bankbook. it's like money always comes out but never in. haha. and my pay for apr can oni be collected on 21 may, tgt with may's pay. :( haha. money money money. my sis made a comment which intensified the guilt. after i showed her the top that i bought. haha. she said, "omg, u spend like there is no economic crisis." :x it's not that bad lor. i used to save up so much, it's time i spend a teeny bit of it. haha.
my gastric is back. =x i dunno why it always happens when i stay up too late out or something. always had that problem, especially in chalet. :s
11:42 PM
Friday, April 24, 2009
i guess anything that i say now will come across as ungrateful and unappreciative. but not saying anything will give that same impression. so why don't i just go and die.
i didnt mean to sound bitchy and unreasonable. yes. i bet i sound exactly just that. ugh. i am sorry. that i am such a tough nut to crack. that my moods are more erratic than erratic until u cant even fathom what i am thinking.
i am tired. and doubtful. insecurity? hmm, maybe. if it is making u so tired as well, why do we even bother.
sigh. i dont know.
i didnt mean to sound bitchy and unreasonable. yes. i bet i sound exactly just that. ugh. i am sorry. that i am such a tough nut to crack. that my moods are more erratic than erratic until u cant even fathom what i am thinking.
i am tired. and doubtful. insecurity? hmm, maybe. if it is making u so tired as well, why do we even bother.
sigh. i dont know.
2:44 PM
wednesday was a day riding high on emotions, of exhilaration, relief, and deep feelings. i had no idea why i was so overwhelmed really, because i wasn't the one having to face the heat of the competition. but i saw.. and felt. i dunno why such scenes just makes me feel gooey inside. haha. am really touched. and when everything ended with such colour and gayness, the feeling is really sweet, you can literally taste it.
back at ucc, memories are too overwhelming. aristal 08. syf. it's a place stock rich of memories of those dancing days. and to think i may not be back on that stage anymore. but i admit like canned food, we all have an expiry date. haha. and i guess mine is long due. but i am not going to ferment and spoil, i'll flourish in other ways. and yea. so i wasnt really listening to the dialogue session before the results were announced. but something came up somehow, filtered and went to my head. the point that the training and discipline during dance, will somehow or another shape the dancer's resilience to face any adversities in other aspects of life.
and that brought me thinking back to the medicine interview. am feeling all jittery inside. but i suppose no news is good news? i really want this. there hasnt been anything else in life that i yearn for so much. maybe perhaps getting into syf. i really don want to relive the disappointment. and i will be v lost as to where to move on from here. all these years. i realise that i have been steeling myself to disappointment, always putting myself in a position in a place where i will least be hurt, because i don want to be hurt all over again. but because of this, i don't have any strength to welcome hurt.
bleh.
on a lighter note. yesterday officially marks my last lesson for driving. it was a mock assessment and i passed it with 18 demerit points. =x bad. haha. supposed to be immediate failure, but my instructor was nice. =/ so i am not confident of booking for practical test. hmm. but then it will be a long wait till the next test date anyway, around early june. so i can still practise. really want to pass the first time. haha.
back at ucc, memories are too overwhelming. aristal 08. syf. it's a place stock rich of memories of those dancing days. and to think i may not be back on that stage anymore. but i admit like canned food, we all have an expiry date. haha. and i guess mine is long due. but i am not going to ferment and spoil, i'll flourish in other ways. and yea. so i wasnt really listening to the dialogue session before the results were announced. but something came up somehow, filtered and went to my head. the point that the training and discipline during dance, will somehow or another shape the dancer's resilience to face any adversities in other aspects of life.
and that brought me thinking back to the medicine interview. am feeling all jittery inside. but i suppose no news is good news? i really want this. there hasnt been anything else in life that i yearn for so much. maybe perhaps getting into syf. i really don want to relive the disappointment. and i will be v lost as to where to move on from here. all these years. i realise that i have been steeling myself to disappointment, always putting myself in a position in a place where i will least be hurt, because i don want to be hurt all over again. but because of this, i don't have any strength to welcome hurt.
bleh.
on a lighter note. yesterday officially marks my last lesson for driving. it was a mock assessment and i passed it with 18 demerit points. =x bad. haha. supposed to be immediate failure, but my instructor was nice. =/ so i am not confident of booking for practical test. hmm. but then it will be a long wait till the next test date anyway, around early june. so i can still practise. really want to pass the first time. haha.
10:11 AM
Monday, April 20, 2009
i realise i only blog on weekdays. haha. weekends busy "patuo"ing, as wad most ppl say.
wont deny that. haha. yah, sometimes i feel thankful that my boyf doesnt have to book in and stay in camp for like 1 to 2 weeks. because then there will be someone to turn to when i feel upset, someone to laugh with over a funny joke. yet at times, i feel that there is nothing else to help strengthen the relationship. absence makes the heart grow fonder u see. and i admit there were moments when i feel that i am losing hold, i just get so used to be able to see him almost everyday and i guess i feel that i am taken for granted, and i am taking him for granted as well.
yup. went back nj on sat. feel really proud of the juniors. many of them improved a lot since i last danced with them, esp xin yan, dhriti, wen qing, and danni. :) yup. haha. and looking at them, i feel ashamed at myself, for i cant even do a split now. haha. after that went JP for a walk. then home.
sunday was dance as usual, felt really reluctant to crawl out of bed initially, but eventually i did. and there was oni 7 dancers that day. -.- and after that went to eat cavana chicken. i think it's damn nice. but something quite upsetting happened that day, which kinds of spoils the day but i don want to think or eve talk about it anymore. then theere was the monday blues..
haha. yeh. and my "babies" are dying. -.- my "babies" refer to the cells that i cultured. yeh. and today we worked with rabbit's blood. haha. i was staring at my blood filled gloves, then i had this vision of the Surgical Maniac. Creepy. ew. haha. but ya.. the rbcs had all perished, cos it's one week old, so they had all hemolysed. =x so we couldnt use the plasma/platelets for experiment. have to wait for fresh supply. i don't think they actually kill the rabbit for the blood la, don be alarmed. i think it's the remants from routine blood tests. u don't test every single drop of blood that is drawn from the body i guess. had lunched with the mentors. and found out that mk may be coming to our lab. hooray, that brightened up the day. :)
tomorrow's IBN open house for TP.. as students, we must help out. so will be lab guides for the day. haha. imagine a one week old newbie having to guide ppl.
cant wait for this week to end. i am counting down. i have no idea to what.
haha. anyway. i have a new wishlist:
1. to grow TALL
2. to go on a diet
3. tank tops
4. butterfly clips.
and no 3 cannot happpen unless no 2 happens.
so i hope i can get that 15 bucks tank at pepper pplus soon. wahoo.
k. i want to go sleep. nite nite!
wont deny that. haha. yah, sometimes i feel thankful that my boyf doesnt have to book in and stay in camp for like 1 to 2 weeks. because then there will be someone to turn to when i feel upset, someone to laugh with over a funny joke. yet at times, i feel that there is nothing else to help strengthen the relationship. absence makes the heart grow fonder u see. and i admit there were moments when i feel that i am losing hold, i just get so used to be able to see him almost everyday and i guess i feel that i am taken for granted, and i am taking him for granted as well.
yup. went back nj on sat. feel really proud of the juniors. many of them improved a lot since i last danced with them, esp xin yan, dhriti, wen qing, and danni. :) yup. haha. and looking at them, i feel ashamed at myself, for i cant even do a split now. haha. after that went JP for a walk. then home.
sunday was dance as usual, felt really reluctant to crawl out of bed initially, but eventually i did. and there was oni 7 dancers that day. -.- and after that went to eat cavana chicken. i think it's damn nice. but something quite upsetting happened that day, which kinds of spoils the day but i don want to think or eve talk about it anymore. then theere was the monday blues..
haha. yeh. and my "babies" are dying. -.- my "babies" refer to the cells that i cultured. yeh. and today we worked with rabbit's blood. haha. i was staring at my blood filled gloves, then i had this vision of the Surgical Maniac. Creepy. ew. haha. but ya.. the rbcs had all perished, cos it's one week old, so they had all hemolysed. =x so we couldnt use the plasma/platelets for experiment. have to wait for fresh supply. i don't think they actually kill the rabbit for the blood la, don be alarmed. i think it's the remants from routine blood tests. u don't test every single drop of blood that is drawn from the body i guess. had lunched with the mentors. and found out that mk may be coming to our lab. hooray, that brightened up the day. :)
tomorrow's IBN open house for TP.. as students, we must help out. so will be lab guides for the day. haha. imagine a one week old newbie having to guide ppl.
cant wait for this week to end. i am counting down. i have no idea to what.
haha. anyway. i have a new wishlist:
1. to grow TALL
2. to go on a diet
3. tank tops
4. butterfly clips.
and no 3 cannot happpen unless no 2 happens.
so i hope i can get that 15 bucks tank at pepper pplus soon. wahoo.
k. i want to go sleep. nite nite!
11:14 PM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
yea. i forgot to mentioned that i watched this movie. or did I? haha. hmm. i think the show is not bad la. not as "boliao" (unmeaningful) as jun hong says it is. haha. it's like modern day Noah's Ark. That's wad i feel. world ending, dictated by some unknown force. and selected people get transported into crystal vessels (resembling the Ark) into space. in the meantime earth was destroyed by some supersonic flares emitted by the sun, flooding earth with fire instead of water. yea. deep meaning i would say, but probably won't happen in real life. will be pretty scary if it did.
hmm, i will probably do the same thing as the male lead, go find my loved ones & spend the remaining few minutes with them.
haha. many many nice movies that i want to watch. there's 17 Again, Angels & Demons. Harry potter & the Half Blood Prince! i want to watch that!
5:37 PM
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
i want to slap myself, whack my head on the table. and basically engage in self destructive behavior. WHY? cos i did something really really stupid. so stupid that i dunno to laugh or cry. i thought 18 apr was 15 apr. so i deleted my driving lesson. ARGH. i was so so close to finishing the course and now my next lesson is in jun. dammit.
yea. and i am waiting for my experiment again. haha. just finish writing up my log book. its quite fun. it's like spa skill A+ B+ C lesser on the D i guess. and the biscuits in the pantry are quite nice. ;p but no lunch companion.. :(
ok. a belated post. so esf met up to have dinner at ichiban! haha. my first time there and the salmon cheese is VERY nice. haha. so we had the usual talk about anything under sun sessions. too bad mk couldnt come. and the next time we are meeting it will be K! yay.
okay. so i am quite starving now. -.-
till later then.
a side note:
i love the way you sleep like a pig every night and can even sleep while on the phone with me
love that you just don't know how to comfort me sometimes
but you always try
thank you for always trying to make me happy.
i really am. even though sometimes i grouch and grump.
thanks dear. for everything you have done,
from the warm hug that i need occasionally to all the letters and gifts.
haha. just a sentimental tribute.. we all have to let people know that we do care.. before its too late.
yea. and i am waiting for my experiment again. haha. just finish writing up my log book. its quite fun. it's like spa skill A+ B+ C lesser on the D i guess. and the biscuits in the pantry are quite nice. ;p but no lunch companion.. :(
ok. a belated post. so esf met up to have dinner at ichiban! haha. my first time there and the salmon cheese is VERY nice. haha. so we had the usual talk about anything under sun sessions. too bad mk couldnt come. and the next time we are meeting it will be K! yay.
okay. so i am quite starving now. -.-
till later then.
a side note:
i love the way you sleep like a pig every night and can even sleep while on the phone with me
love that you just don't know how to comfort me sometimes
but you always try
thank you for always trying to make me happy.
i really am. even though sometimes i grouch and grump.
thanks dear. for everything you have done,
from the warm hug that i need occasionally to all the letters and gifts.
haha. just a sentimental tribute.. we all have to let people know that we do care.. before its too late.
11:53 AM
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
hoho. i am waiting for my experiment to bake! haha. yes. research started yesterday. been pretty boring so far. and pretty lost and overloaded with information. eeps.
yesterday was safety training. and orientation stuff basically. my mentor is a phD post-doctoral fellow. *awed* yea. and basically i am doing medical related stuff, i don tink i am allowed to disclose. haha.
and ya. ok. i tink that's about all. i shall blog more when i reach home. it's kinda hard to keep alt-tab the windows. haha. blogging illegally. =x
yesterday was safety training. and orientation stuff basically. my mentor is a phD post-doctoral fellow. *awed* yea. and basically i am doing medical related stuff, i don tink i am allowed to disclose. haha.
and ya. ok. i tink that's about all. i shall blog more when i reach home. it's kinda hard to keep alt-tab the windows. haha. blogging illegally. =x
2:53 PM
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
bleaghs. the questions and answers from the interviews just keep playing back in my head. and i can't stop wondering whether my answers were fine or not. =S ah. but it's over. so no matter wad life goes on. but i really want to get into medical school. sighs.
anyway. i lapsed into a my old self, the hate life the way it is now self. guess i was kinda upset that the research institute has not get back to me, and my attachment will probably be pushed back, if i even get it that is. ah. yeh.
i felt bad having to push away all the tuition jobs that steven tuition asked me to do. like they just somehow clash, despite so much free time on my hands. for eg, the first one was sun morning (i have dance). and the next is today just a relief lesson (but i have the essay test at nus). ya. so everything is just so "lucky".
and i really miss going to school. at least there's a purpose to life. pfft.
ok. something happy! i am getting so so close to getting a driver's licence. woohoo. the instructor estimated that i will take about 5 more lessons. whee. i really hope i can pass the first time round. i am still very bad at lane changing, need more practice. and i hope i get a manageable test route too. just found out that they used to use ping pong balls to see what route u get, but now its all randomly generated by the TP.
11/4 - 8.15
15/4 - 10.30
21/4 - 8.10
23/4 - 8.10
29/4 - 8.10
5/5 - 8.10
haha i booked an extra lesson just in case. i had to cancel like 6, because i pre booked extra lessons. and my, they cost a lot, all these lessons add up to 2k plus, i mean ever since i started driving.
i have so much time on my hands that my mind keeps wandering. and i cant believe i am actually studying PHYSICS. and i catch no ball really. ha! 2 years since i last touched it. my brain is rusting.
ok. gotta go continue cleaning up the war zone (my room). i tink i should at least try maintaining it this time round. lols. and i say the same thing everytime.
anyway. i lapsed into a my old self, the hate life the way it is now self. guess i was kinda upset that the research institute has not get back to me, and my attachment will probably be pushed back, if i even get it that is. ah. yeh.
i felt bad having to push away all the tuition jobs that steven tuition asked me to do. like they just somehow clash, despite so much free time on my hands. for eg, the first one was sun morning (i have dance). and the next is today just a relief lesson (but i have the essay test at nus). ya. so everything is just so "lucky".
and i really miss going to school. at least there's a purpose to life. pfft.
ok. something happy! i am getting so so close to getting a driver's licence. woohoo. the instructor estimated that i will take about 5 more lessons. whee. i really hope i can pass the first time round. i am still very bad at lane changing, need more practice. and i hope i get a manageable test route too. just found out that they used to use ping pong balls to see what route u get, but now its all randomly generated by the TP.
11/4 - 8.15
15/4 - 10.30
21/4 - 8.10
23/4 - 8.10
29/4 - 8.10
5/5 - 8.10
haha i booked an extra lesson just in case. i had to cancel like 6, because i pre booked extra lessons. and my, they cost a lot, all these lessons add up to 2k plus, i mean ever since i started driving.
i have so much time on my hands that my mind keeps wandering. and i cant believe i am actually studying PHYSICS. and i catch no ball really. ha! 2 years since i last touched it. my brain is rusting.
ok. gotta go continue cleaning up the war zone (my room). i tink i should at least try maintaining it this time round. lols. and i say the same thing everytime.
1:22 PM
Monday, April 6, 2009
haha. all thoughts running amok. in a state of demoralisation.
but oh well. i cant turn back time. god bless me.
but oh well. i cant turn back time. god bless me.
11:43 AM
Friday, April 3, 2009
phew. home finally. was kind of demoralized after driving today. haha. made super a lot of mistakes.
hadnt slept or eaten well, so i was feeling moody. xP
just last year i remember mugging on bioethics for gp & bio. now i find myself having to dig out those information again. & researching for more. geez. i don't really know what to prepare. at times a thought will run through my mind, questioning me. & then i will feel lost for a while.
i think the past few days are pretty stressful, i'm practically dissecting myself up to study myself. i can answer math questions, chem questions, but i just cant answer questions asking about myself. i don't really know.
aiya. right now i just feel like a sediment in a sand storm, constantly being uprooted from a restful state & blown here and there.
bah.
geez.
hadnt slept or eaten well, so i was feeling moody. xP
just last year i remember mugging on bioethics for gp & bio. now i find myself having to dig out those information again. & researching for more. geez. i don't really know what to prepare. at times a thought will run through my mind, questioning me. & then i will feel lost for a while.
i think the past few days are pretty stressful, i'm practically dissecting myself up to study myself. i can answer math questions, chem questions, but i just cant answer questions asking about myself. i don't really know.
aiya. right now i just feel like a sediment in a sand storm, constantly being uprooted from a restful state & blown here and there.
bah.
geez.
3:29 PM
Thursday, April 2, 2009
i just realise something stupid.. when i click on shangfei's name, it went to claire's blog. kept thinking that there was some weird problem, till i checked my template, and realised tt it was me who typed wrongly. ok. so just came to rant abt my stupidity.
oh and received ntu's letter of offer to chemical & biomolecular engineering. haha. din feel any excitement or sense of exhilaration. i guess i was expecting it bah. that feeling kinda scared me fo a while.. wondering whether i really wanted to take chem engine or not.
but i must commend the efficiency. i tot application ended like yest.\
ok i'm typing with one hand and on the phone w the other.. kinda tiring. lol. so bye.
oh and received ntu's letter of offer to chemical & biomolecular engineering. haha. din feel any excitement or sense of exhilaration. i guess i was expecting it bah. that feeling kinda scared me fo a while.. wondering whether i really wanted to take chem engine or not.
but i must commend the efficiency. i tot application ended like yest.\
ok i'm typing with one hand and on the phone w the other.. kinda tiring. lol. so bye.
11:19 PM
